I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Randomize
