My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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