My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
