i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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