Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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