Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
