I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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