Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
