I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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