I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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