she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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