I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
