I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
