Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
