life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm just crazy horny about you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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