oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
