It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
