Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
