I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
