also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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