he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
