Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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