Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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