Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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