If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
