He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
