sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
