All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
