It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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