Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
