And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
