I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dignity is for republicans.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
