You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
