and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
