I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
