Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
