I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
