I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
