she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
