The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
