Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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