I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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