Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
