woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
