Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
