when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
