Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
