shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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