I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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