Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
